Graham's tawny port aged 20 years

If you love me, prove it by buying me a crate of this stuff. $30 a bottle. Worth every penny.

Croft Pink

Good, but kind of like the Kool Ade of port. Adolescent. Punchy. Not complex. No depth. Sweet.

Feels like a good, plain drink to have in the fridge for some unthinking drunkenness.

Might buy it again, but probably not. The coca-cola of port. Feels mass produced somehow. The same way a Coke tastes. It's okay, even enjoyable, but it's just a Coke for fuck's sakes.

It does taste "pink" somehow. Almost flowery.

Uh oh.

Prune juice (or prune nectar) tastes kind of like non-alcoholic port. It is cheaper, though. Has anyone else noticed this? Are there mixed drinks that include prune juice? Must do some research.

Imperial Canadian Sherry

Let's slum it and try this $8 bottle of what I expect to be shit. Science tells us that if I give you a drink and say it costs a lot, you will love it. If I tell you it's cheap drek, you'll hate it. This is cheap drek. But maybe it will be great, despite the screw top and the low price?





I suspect any drink that has fluorescent orange lettering on the label will be a big disapointment. Here goes.

It's the colour of weak tea. It smells like soda pop. It tastes like an ashtray. What the hell is that flavour in the middle? Tastes like rotten oranges.

Or orange pekoe tea left out for six weeks. Harsh, scratchy, and brings out my phlegm. Yuck. This is the drink of the homeless and maybe for cooking. Drinking it straight is just plain mean.

Now all I can taste is orange, or something like orange. Weak and putrid. Yuck.

Thank goodness Michelle bought some gin and tonic for later.

Taylor Fladgate First Estate

My coworkers, knowing I like port, bought me this for my birthday. I've tried Taylor Fladgate stuff before, and found it dull. Specifically, I tried the late bottled vintage 2003.

This first estate stuff tastes like the unaged baby brother of the older stuff. Sweeter, weaker, and a same long, low burn. It's not bad, but not thrilling.

Strangely, I think I like the young taste a little more than the aged stuff, but this first estate port burns harder. It's like a teenage version of the 2003 port - cruder, more violent, more brash. And I found Mr 2003 a bit bossy in the first place.

Acceptable, but a little crude. As with the other Taylor Fladgate port, I suspect this would taste better with something. By itself, it's a bore.

Lustau Dry Amontillado Los Arcos Sherry

"You're gay."

"What? Why would you say that?"

"Because you drink sherry! That stuff is for queers and little old ladies, and little old ladies who are queer!"

"No, no, no. You're wrong. Sherry is for homeless people. Or at least, that's what I see them buying. The $8 bottle of fortified wine sherry that they keep behind the counter at the grocery store wine shop. If it was out in the open, people would steal it left and right."

"Gay, little old ladies who are homeless then?"

"But this is no $8 bottle, friend. This cost me $20."

"Gay homeless snobby old ladies."

The bottle says, "Tawny gold colour. Nutty with a touch of sweetness. Dry finish."

"See? That screams gay little old ladies!"

And it's tough to argue with that, because I know an old lady named Tawny, and she's all of that and a bag of chips.

Anyway, the drink.

"Ugh! Why did I buy this crap? It tastes like fucking paint thinner."

"Okay, you might be straight."

"Nutty? It tastes like a burning acorn shat out by a constipated squirrel. It flies across the tongue like a burning bullet. Yuck. Dry. I have to stop buying dry stuff. I keep forgetting how much I hate dry booze. Liquids should be wet, damn it."

"How can a liquid be dry, anyway?"

"In this case, it's like licking sandpaper. Mind you, this poison is a very nice tawny gold colour."



"Yes, I suppose it does LOOK good."

"Each sip is worse than the last. So not my thing. Ugh. I'm sure some people would like it, but why? Ugh. It tastes like unsweetened ginger ale with a hint of liquid battery."

"Now that's just cruel."

"No, no. It's horrid. Yuck!"

"Maybe you just have an unrefined pallette."

"No. It sucks."

"Well, let me see if you really have a pallette worth paying attention to. What are you have for dinner?"

"Kraft Dinner and salad."

"Yeah. Okay. No. Not listening to you. Sorry."

"God damn it."

Taylor Fladgate late bottled vintage Porto 2003

This is a serious looking bottle. Black. Red and white label. It's very threatening and serious. But what about the contents?

Very dark and purple looking. First taste is like a hard kiss. A little cowardly.

Put out or screw off, port. What's with this hard to get nonsense?

Tastes a little basic. Sweet start, burn aftertaste.

Doesn't do much for me. Seems to ride up my nose, like horseradish does. Never had a port do that before.

Tastes very grape. Almost like the artificial grape of kid's candy. If they made burning grape candy with an alcohol content, this would be it.

Unimpressive. It's not cheap rotgut crap, but there's nothing special about this stuff. It's good, but without personality.

Michelle says it has "plummy depth" after a short sharp burst at the start. I think it's a plummy shallowness, myself.

Maybe I'm just not in the mood for this stuff. It feels like it's drying out the inside of my mouth.

Something about this port pisses me off. This port is a lie. A betrayal. It's sweet, flat, crisp, dry, dull. Autumn leaves in my mouth. It feels like the taste promises one thing and then gives me another.

I'm not even sure why, but I don't like it. I wouldn't buy it again. It's okay, but just too flat.