Dow's Late Bottled Vintage Port 2004

Okay. Enough screwing around. Let's get to work here. I mean, come on -- Korean raspberry wine? Fuck that shit. Let's open a motherfucking bottle of port, my friends. Let's taste some magic.

First off, I'm no port snob. I just like the taste of it. So I'm not entirely sure what it means when the small print reads, "Bottled 2009". Is that bad? Where was this port sitting for 5 years? I guess in a barrel. But the whole 2004, 2009 thing has me a little confused. Maybe I've been ripped off or something I don't know.

This port is purple and opaque. It's thick, buddy. This is no watery crap. And that's what I like to see. And I haven't tasted it yet, because I'm worried. What if it's not love at first taste? Plus I like to torture myself. I've poured a glass and I'm just looking at it. I'm also talking to it.

You better be good, you bastard. I think you cost me $24 or so. Which is cheap-ish for port.

Okay, okay. Here goes. First taste.

Nice. Very purple. Very girly, somehow, at the start. Slides down the throat. Oh, and there's the burn, in my belly.

I know a lot of people hate this, but flavour really does have a time to it. A start, a middle, an end. Some flavours can be real rollercoasters. This port tastes like wide open road. The horizon goes on forever. There are clouds, way off in the distance. A storm. That's the burn at the end. But until you see those clouds, smooth driving. Did they just pave this highway? I think they did.

Oh, this is some nice shit. I don't even drive, and it makes me dream of open roads through cool desert as the sun sets somewhere behind us. Super smooth road. It's hard to tell if we're even moving.

Come to think of it, we probably shouldn't be drinking and driving. Oh look! There's a lizard by the side of the road, wearing a peach vest, talking into a cellphone.

"Hey," the lizard says, slow and smooth and deep, "I just made a killing on the stock market. I invested in pig futures."

Pig futures? What the hell does that mean?

"Michelle! Taste this smooth driving deep throated lizard on the highway port!"

She does. "It's very subtle," she says.

It is.

Would buy again. Very nice.