Zubrowka Bison Vodka (flavoured vodka)

"Hey, Keith Fountain, I have started a blog about the booze I drink. I prefer sweet sherries and ports, for I am a girly man. No hard whiskey or any of that manly stuff for me."

"You are in luck, Nikolaus Maack! I have a bottle of imported Polish vodka that I hate because it is sweet as diabetic shit."

"I will gladly take that bottle off your hands."

"Hooray!"

"Yippee!"

I think the conversation went something like that.

After letting the bottle sit in my freezer all day, I poured myself a glass.

Initial impression: what the hell? Sweet. Strange. Strong.

Later: sort of vanilla like. If you melted a vanilla candle and drank it while somehow keeping it lit, it would taste like this.

"I am Polish prostitute. I sleep with you. I am sweet young girl. You like my beautiful body? You must like it, or I kick you in Canadian gonads, make you cry like boy who lose pet goat."

Wow. Polish whore, three kisses from you and I can barely walk.

"Surprise, stupid Canadian boy. I not Polish prostitute. I bison disguised as Polish prostitute by wearing pink mini-skirt. That why picture of bison on label."

I don't care. I still love you. Plus I am now drunk out of my mind on a tiny glass of your essence. But wait - what did Keith say before he sent me home with this bottle?

The ghostly memory of Keith's voice drifts across the room:

"Nik, they put a long blade of 'bison grass' in every bottle of this stuff. The joke is that a bison peed on the grass, and that's why the vodka is yellow."

What? Noooooooooo!

"Ha ha ha! Stupid Canadian boy!"

Just then, Michelle came home from work.

"Michelle! Taste this!"

"I don't know. Straight vodka. Hmm."

"Taste it! Take a sip! Taste it!"

"Ok! Ok!" (Slurp!) "Thats pretty good, actually. It tastes like cookies."

And that is how I saved myself from being raped by a Polish bison prostitute.

Good stuff. Would buy again. Very enjoyable sipping it straight. Nice, spicy, sweet, but not cloyingly sweet. Has kick. Lovely, brutal. Like a mistress dressed in vanilla, spanking me senseless.